same old same old

its official.  i'm "the friend."  not sure how i feel about that, but it is what it is.  it is better than nothing at all, and i'm glad she's in my life.  she came into it for a reason, and i'm just gonna go with it.  but that doesn't mean i still can't be frustrated at hell.

we lean back and we clink our glasses
raise the drinks to our thirsty mouths,
and thick as molasses, ice cold vodka eases in
as the low pressure system brings the breezes in
and they sashay and pirouette above you
the only thing i know is that i love you
and i'm holding on

i miss her.  i miss her everyday.  and shouldn't.  its the most helpless feeling in the world, missing/thinking about someone who you 100% know isn't thinking about you the same way, if they're not thinking about you at all.  its hard to stay positive, but somehow i do.  and yes, there are times where i still think something can/will happen, but even i'm not that big of a dreamer.  i'll be okay...i always am.  i say that a lot....maybe one day i'll actually believe it.

i need a reason to fight

short and sweet becuse i'm at work.  this video says it all.  i need a reason to fight.  i already have a reason to hope...i just need to take it one more step.  but that's not in me i don't think.  esp given the situation.  hopefully when it calms down tonight, i'll be able to elaborate more.  i have a lot i need to say.

these days

lately i've been having a hard time remembering what day it is.  i do the same thing every day.  except the last few days.  friday was first friday and i decided to go (alone) and i enjoyed it.  ran into some people from work and we spent the rest of the night at OTR and i was just able to be out.  then sunday rolls around and i  wake up, went to lunch downtown with a friend i've discovered at the hotel, and then spend the next 2 hours just walking around downtown and campus showing her around.  it was great. italian food + 100 degree heat isn't a very good combo, but i loved it.  and then today it hit me.  it was great because it reminded me of the better times i spent with ALM.  days where we'd wake up and just decided what we were going to do on a whim.  and without that...without someone to share my days and nights with...it all just seems the same.  and i'm not saying that taking away anything from  "the friend."  she isn't like ALM at all.  i guess what i'm trying to get across is that it felt good.  fuck it...it felt great.

i've started writting again.  and not on this.  on actual paper.  for the first time in a long time i actually have some emotions that i want to get out...some emotions that i'm not ashamed to put in my own handwritting.  some emotions that i want to actually save in a journal and one day down the road i can actually flip through and smile at.  i have a muse.  i have a reason to write.  i'm being way over the top..but i don't care right now.  i have NOTHING to lose.